Feasty

Fear is a wily beast. She lives deep down inside of me and holds the things I only vaguely know of in her belly. She keeps these things hidden with her thick scales, sharp claws, and razor-like fangs. Self-worth, self-love, trust, and faith all roll around inside of her. Sometimes, when she sleeps, she opens her mouth very wide and these things peek out into my inner world and look around.  This is usually Feasty’s cue to snap her strong jaws closed before any of her charges escape.

I hear Feasty’s soft voice echo inside of my head. You are not strong enough to do that. You are too weak to do that. You might get hurt. He will hurt you. She will hurt you. He doesn’t care about you. She doesn’t care about you. People lie. Why would anyone want you? You’re too fat. You’re too old. Too unsophisticated. Too stupid. Too awkward. Too uncultured. Too uneducated about the world. You’re a fake. You don’t know. You’re just going to fail. You can’t wear that. Oh my God, look how terrible that looks on you. Oh my God, is that a wrinkle? An age spot? A stretch mark? Cellulite? Sagging skin? You have so much debt. Why can’t you control your spending? Your eating? Your drinking? Your mouth? Are you crazy? Are you a whore? Why can’t you just settle with a man? Is no one good enough for you? Why do you lie? Manipulate? Why in the world would anyone help you? Love you? Choose you? Not hurt you? Care about you? Be patient with your crazy? You will be alone. And lonely. And sad. And broke. And unloved.

Feasty is a protector. She’s there to protect me from getting hurt. To protect me from pain. I put her there. I put all those things there. I put all those things deep in her belly and gave her strict orders not to let them see the light of day at any cost.

And so, I can thank her for this protection that she has so beautifully and skillfully given. I can ask her to give back all that is mine. And go away. I don’t need fear to protect me anymore.

There is pain and I feel it deeply AND it is not my life or something I live in. It passes. People lie, cheat, use, hurt, abuse. People also love, care, nurture, and tend. It’s up to me to make people show me which they are. To not create them to be something they are not in my head because of fear. It’s also up to me to walk away when they prove themselves not to be worthy of me. Because I am worthy of love – of happiness – of abundance – of joy – of whatever I feel I deserve and that is the key. I decide what I deserve.

So Feasty, thank you, thank you, thank you. I am so grateful to you for protecting me from hurt and pain. I release you from this role. I no longer need this protection. I want to live fully knowing I am worthy, lovable, enough, divine. I want those around me to know this as well. I want those people who are interested in my highest good to remain/be in my life and close to me. I want to have an unerring sense of who is good for me and who is not and the strength to push that person far from me who is not. I want to move through the rest of my life comfortable in my own skin and happy with myself and those around me.

Thank you and goodbye Feasty.

The work works!