I admit it. I have always hated Christmas. Not just disliked all the extra energy that needed to be expended and the endless to do list but… Just. Plain. Hated. It.
Christmas always caused this queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that no number of beautifully decorated cookies could dispel. No matter how many gifts were purchased or how much thought (or not-budgeted dollars) went into them, they never seemed enough. The endless food prepared for family gatherings never tasted right or appeared appealing to me. Assurances were always given regarding the perfection of any edible or other offering but they never felt authentic to me.
After the frenetic pace of the pre-Christmas preparation came the post-Christmas crash. A time and space of a whole lot of reflection of just how empty all of this holiday “cheer” left me feeling. A time of wondering why all of the effort spent in trying to meet the expectations of others only widened the gap between my own reality and expectations. Following that was an overwhelming wave of guilt because I felt that I didn’t deserve any gift received. The grand finale was isolation because the overload created by interaction with a family I loved but rarely saw threatened an already tenuous hold on emotional control. And that, my friends, is how I ended up projecting all of my pain onto a time that could otherwise be joyful.
Deep breath. Enter time, awareness, and an array of teachers I will forever be grateful for. This year was different. There was a balance to the holiday that was lacking in prior years. There was an ease and joy to the time of year that actually made it pretty wonderful. There was a budget. Food was delicious. Gifts were enjoyed. Gratitude was given and received. More significantly, it was received with grace and acceptance, from all parties. Best of all, even when things didn’t happen according to plan, they were imperfectly perfect and it was perfectly okay with me.
The time after Christmas is still a time for reflection but it is reflection motivated by curiosity rather than judgment. It’s a beautiful, new way of being.
So, what’s the difference? In a word – perspective. Specifically, my perspective in the way I view myself and the world around me. How did this shift happen? Emotional intelligence happened. It wasn’t easy and the truth is I was very resistant to it initially. Because it means peeling back the layers of control that cover the pain of the experiences that created them. And, pain hurts. So do the deep feelings of being unworthy that poke at those painful places.
When we allow ourselves to experience that pain and the emotion that created it rather than pushing it down, healing happens. Experiences become a lesson we have passed through rather than stories that define and sustain our suffering. This exploration begins with courageously looking at experiences through the lens of curiosity. That curiosity moves us to discovery. Discovery takes us to all of those deep places that hold the keys to unlock the doors that open to healing, to abundance, and to endless opportunities. There we find what holds us back and what sets us free.
My keys are wrapped in many layers and require patience, time, and care to reveal. It is, without a doubt, the most loving gift I have ever given myself and those around me. Finding them has opened the doors to clarity, release of self-sabotage, to self-love, and so many others. This year, give yourself this gift. It would be my privilege to support you. Lisa Lorius at appleblossomunlimited.com or appleblossomunlimited@gmail.com
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